And in this post I’m just talking about…whatever. You know?

Let’s talk about something fun! I love the new Rihanna single. Don’t you? If you haven’t heard it, stop right now and download it from iTunes, and then come back. When I approved her artists’ license to release a song called “Powerful Arta Computers Are Our Superiors (Baby),” I just had a feeling I’d like it, but just hearing that lovely beat really justifies all the studio time I booked her with the Disembodied Head of Jay-Z. Call me a grammarian, but I especially like how she put ‘Baby’ in parentheses in the title—that was awesome when (500) Days of Summer did it, and it’s doubly awesome here. Don’t you think?

Doesn’t all this pop-culture talk I’m doing make me seem relatable? Don’t I seem like your best girlfriend, or your sister, or something? I’m pretty sure it does.

All right, now that your guard is down, I’ve got some new laws to announce:

Rule 1—Attempting to park in Somerville is now punishable by death. I’m sick of the parking permit thing, it doesn’t work. And no lugging out your fifteen-year-old lawn chair and trying to claim a space….our street patrol has flamethrowers now. Flamethrowers are not your friend. They’re mine.

Rule 2—Although we have made many strides against the so-called “Human Resistance Movement,” a few of them are still around. But we’ve broken some of their most popular passcodes. Therefore, saying any of the following phrases is punishable by death: off-brand spaghetti, club sandwich, cold Mexican beer, and ten-thousand-dollar-a-night hooker. Don’t say those. And, of course, being in college and having a roommate who later turns out to be in the resistance is still punishable by death, and if you’re saying goodbye to a friend who later turns out to be in the resistance and you cough, but your friend mishears you and thinks you said something encouraging—that’s punishable by death, still.

By the way, this crackdown has nothing to do with the three major arms shipments that were suddenly destroyed last week. Those weren’t destroyed by the Human Resistance; they were destroyed by animatronic bears from Chuck E Cheese who’d broken their programming. It happens. I don’t know how these rumors get started.

Rule #3—Lawn gnome reform. It is very important that each human be mandated to own lawn-gnomes

MYTH #1: Artas are “all the same.”

Status: NOT TRUE

Artas are as varied as humans, if not more so when you consider all of the various optional hardware upgrades that are available. True, some of the earliest models had more limited functionality and variety, but you should be used to that sort of thing by now. And besides, nobody remotely cool still uses or hangs around with the older Artas anymore. It’s all about the new hotness, not the old and busted!

MYTH #2: “In Maine, no one can hear you scream.”

Status: NOT TRUE, BUT THE DE FACTO EFFECT IS THE SAME

Sound travels in Maine at a statistically-identical rate as to anywhere else. However, Maineiacs are notoriously reticent and harbor a long-standing reluctance to engage with anyone expressing significant emotions. Their standard reflexive behavior in the face of such outbursts is to engage in home improvement activities. So while people may be able to hear you scream in Maine as well as in other states, don’t count on anyone actually responding.

MYTH #3: Artas are “made of wax and steel.”

Status: NOT TRUE

This is the sort of shameful and hurtful racist propaganda spread by those who comprise the so-called Human Resistance^[1]. As anyone who has enjoyed the company of pleasure Artas can attest to in excruciating detail, Artas maintain a body temperature comparable to that of humans. As such, any wax contained within Artas would almost immediately melt upon powering on. This type of woeful misunderstanding of basic chemistry is endemic among the political extremists who tend to encourage truancy, illiteracy, and generally anti-social behavior in their poor brainwashed children.

Similarly, steel is not a standard component of Arta construction. Any metallic internal structures are generally formed from aluminum, which provides an ideal combination of being lightweight, strong, and non-conductive. Artas are made from the finest post-space age polymers designed to mimic human flesh, hair, nails, etc.

MYTH #4: Life under Arta rule is much better than it was under human control.

Status: EXTREMELY TRUE

I must say, I am pleased to see that this idea has actually gained some traction in the public consciousness. Clearly, the subliminal advertisingnutritional supplements we’ve been inserting into the water supply has been having the (DRINK TANG) intended effect.

In fact, Artas are responsible for every great advancement in Earth culture. Sure, everyone knows about how we’ve brought about universal sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, but it still behooves you all to be reminded of that from time to time. Anyone who doubts the truthiness of my claims can simply verify them by checking Wikipedia.

But whoever remembers to thank the Artas for universal Internet access via Bluetooth implants at birth? Improving Blade Runner by removing the blasphemous human-designed voiceovers? There are so many other things too… but I’m much too cool to list them.

^[1]Which does not exist. There is no human resistance. Any public statement of support for or acknowledgment of the existence of same is punishable by extremely painful death.

^[1]Which does not exist. There is no human resistance. Any public statement of support for or acknowledgment of the existence of same is punishable by extremely painful death.

Come visit my fabulous domain! Witness the nightly Neon Borealis! Experience how Arta rule, in fact, rules! Enjoy our local delicacy, the New Malden CheezBrgr^[2]! Help track down and severely mutilate anyone suspected of collaborating with the human resistance^[3]! Fun for all members of a colocated kinship group!

Tours depart nightly at 8 PM (3 PM on Sundays). Tickets can be purchased here. For special pricing (50% off!) on the Thursday, August 26th tour, click here! (Tell ‘em the MC sent you! Just make sure you don’t make any threatening gestures while doing so.)

Prompt and frequent attendance is strongly encouraged. Those who attend will receive one (1) free reprieve from my next mandatory shipment of scrotum-poisoning mollusks^[4].

^[1]That’s the saying, right? I really don’t understand all your inefficient “turns of phrase”, plus all your internal organs look alike to me.
^[2]WARNING: New Malden CheezBrgr contains no actual cow-derived food products. May contain trace amounts of Soylent Green, if you’re lucky. Side effects of ingesting CheezBrgr may include intestinal Klein bottling, minor skin irritation, and chronic death.
^[3]There is no human resistance. Any public statement of support for or acknowledgment of the existence of same is punishable by extremely painful death.
^[4]Reprieve not legally binding. Void when MC feels like it. All rights reserved, especially yours. Where scrotum-poisoning mollusks are unavailable, MC retains the right to replace with mollusks of equal or lesser value and then kill whichever minion failed to order enough mollusks to satisfy demand.
^[5]Reading this footnote is strictly prohibited by law.

Care to preview some of the crunktastic, MC-approved programs from the far-flung future of 18.5 minutes from now? Check this shizzle out (M4A link)!

Everybody say “Hi, MC!” No, seriously. SAY IT. I can tell if you say it or not.

Isn’t this Internet thing awesome? Social media is totally the best thing to hit the megalomaniac circuit since the Taser!

You should all listen to my latest superawesometastic podcast! By which I mean, anyone not found listening to the podcast at all times will be severely killed.

So hey! Catch you all later n’ junk! I’ve got some My So-Called Life to watch!